Beloved, How I long to See You

On Missing You

Today has been one of those days, where I had so much planned, so much to do, but the road was a little too long, the sun a little too hot, everything a little too loud, and the only thing keeping me patient was the thought of soon getting to hold you.

Something I always thought was interesting was how the word for “missing”, when you miss someone, is الوحش in my dialect, which is the same word as ‘monster’. Your absence sits in the corner of my room and stares me square in the eye, I carry it on my shoulder like an angel and everytime I miss you it writes it, another tally mark added to the little book that keeps my longing prisoner.

Rarely have I found myself missing you quite as much as I do today, rarely have I longed for your presence quite like I do today. The world felt particularly heavy, and all I longed for was to drown in your arms for a little, to hear your breathing, to feel the rise and fall of your chest. I’ve tried distracting myself, I’ve tried sleeping, as you’ve suggested, but nothing worked. Surprisingly, the more time I spend with the Poet and the more I long for you to be here, which I think is somewhat cruel, but what am I to do, I cannot undo my longing like I undo the knot holding my hair together, letting the locks fall on my back and wishing it were your hands that I was feeling.

I got the chance to speak to a friend I haven’t spoken to in quite a while, so I had to fill her in on everything that has been happening in my life, and when I got to you, she laughed and said that in all the years that she has known me (about 7, almost 8) she has never seen me seem so genuinely flustered and affected when talking about someone. I have always been known to be the person who gets crushes easily, and she has seen me go through scores of them, never really looking for anything, being fully aware that none of them would lead anywhere, I simply enjoyed the dopamine rush of a new crush. But this, as she told me, felt different, because for once, I was genuinely hoping for something to happen, was genuinely waiting to see where this would go, could go. This made me happy because it let me know that what I feel is not simply in my head or a way for me to stay in a comfort zone away from the dangers of potential romantic adventures. But even then, isn’t it sweet how after all these years you've remained my safe place? The one person I ran back to, I ran back for.

All this to say that I miss you, very much, and that no matter how many times you tell me that you miss me I’ll never get tired of hearing you say it. I miss you, and I count down the days until I can finally see you again, hold you for the first time, hear your voice not filtered through a phone for the first time since…what, nine years? ten? God knows, but it has been far too long, and it is starting to become far too painful, and my longing weighs on my hands, and so they are left open on my lap, and every attempt to move them is just a movement in and out of a prayer asking for you to be brought back to me at last.

So do come back, quickly if possible, as soon as you can, my hands will only close to hold yours.

-نائلة