الإنتضار عبادة - Patience is Worship

On Waiting, again

In بعيد عنك, Oum Kalthoum sings:

افتكرلي لحظة حلوة عشنا فيها للهوا
افتكرلي مرة غنوة يوم سمعناها سوا
خد من عمري
عمري كله الا ثواني اشوفك فيها
من الشوق اه من الشوق وعمايله

ياما باداريها ياما ياما باحكيها ياما
بخاف عليك و باخاف تنساني
والشوق اليك على طول صحاني
غلبني الشوق وغلبني وليل البعد دوبني
ومهما السهد حيرني ومهما الشوق يسهرني
لا طول بعدك يغيرني ولا الأيام بتبعدني
بعيد عنك

كنت باشتاق لك و انا و انت هنا
بيني و بينك خطوتين
شوف بقينا ازاي
يا حبيبي انا فين و انت فين
والعمل ايه العمل
ما تقول لي اعمل ايه
والامل انت الامل
تحرمني منك ليه

عيون كانت بتحسدني على حبي
ودلوقتي بتبكي عليا من غلبي
وفين انت يا نورعيني
يا روح قلبي فين

Meaning:

Remember me in a beautiful moment
We lived in it for love
May that song remind you of me
The day we heard it together
Take my years
Take all of them
Except for the seconds in which I see you
Desire, ah desire and its agents
Oh how I hide it... oh how I say it

I worry for you and I'm afraid you'll forget me
And the desire for you will forever wake me
Desire conquered me
And the sleepless nights melted me
And no matter how much the desire keeps me up
And no matter how much the separation confuses me
No fire of love will change me
Nor will the days make me far...
From you

I was longing for you
When there was only two steps between us
Look how it is now
Where am I my darling and where are you
What to do?
Don't tell me what to do
You are hope
Why do you deprive me of it
My eyes were making me jealous of my love
And now they cry for you because of my defeat
When are you oh light of my eye?
Oh soul of my heart, where are you?

Just this morning, I saw a video in passing of someone talking about how patience is a form of worship, that waiting patiently for what you’ve been praying for, believing that it will come with enough patience, is in its own way a form of worship, a strong comittment and I suppose a lesson in trust. And it had me thinking for a while (it has actually been hours and hours).

I have always been the “one with the crush”, I’ve always been quick to infatuation, to obsessive levels even, which is why it seemed so weird to me that I had only noticed my feelings for him recently, because usually my ‘crushes’ are quick, passionate and die down just as quickly except for a couple of exceptions, which lasted longer only because the flame of obsession burned brighter than the rest. It was weird that, over the years, there had been instances where I thought I could develop a romantic interest in him and then just did not, either because I stopped myself or because I chickened out of the situation. One could argue that it simply is because I didn’t feel anything but in the back of my mind I know that it is not that, I’m not quite sure what it was yet, but it wasn’t that, because from the beginning I knew of an underlying ambiguity where if he had shown interest I would have reciprocated it and I think that in a way he did, because I do rememeber, vaguely, a date being scheduled (hypothetically or not) and me chickening out of it. But still, I was wondering why, what stopped me, I had no reason to chicken out, I wouldn’t have lost him as a friend if things had not worked out, and if it had worked out then congratulations I suppose, and yet, I was ignoring it and pushing it away at all costs.

And now, after finally realising what I think had been there all along, I unfortunately cannot do anything about it, and so I wait, just in case, and I find immense comfort in that sentence, that “patience is worship”.

Somehow, I think that it took patience, transformation as a person, to even come to the moment where, as he spoke that one word, my world shifted. Because I had to be that person in that moment to feel those feelings about that one word. And so, now I believe, or like to believe, that what I want to eventually happen, Godwilling, will only happen if I wait, if I have patience, and ‘work on myself’ basically.

There’s such beauty, I think, in how waiting for him, becomes a prayer, and through that very prayer, he may come closer and closer. Piety through desire paradoxically. Piety through love and longing. Longing grown through trusting God’s plans.

This feels different, but actually different, it doesn’t feel different because I want it to, like many times before. This makes me want to cut my bad habits, makes me want to stop looking at anyone else, makes me want to wait as long as it takes, even though I’ve spent the past God knows how many years being impatient about love. This time I’ll wait as long as I have to.

It’s funny how, not only was I impatient, but I also had a very clear idea of what I wanted, and it was only by being offered exactly that, that I realised I want nothing more than what he is willing to offer and nothing less than what he might give. It took my dreams to take shape before me for my mind to finally quiet down and all that was left was him, him, him…Tonight was the second time I had a dream about him, and for the second time, all I dreamt about was finally having him in my arms, and a part of me (or all of me) prays that these dreams are ofthe premonitory kind, and that in a few months, Insha’Allah, I will have him in my arms.

And so, until then, I will just try and pay attention to other things, to my work, my research, my writing, my praying, and so on. Until then, I will be playing Oum Kalthoum and Abdel Halim Hafez and Fairuz and all the classics in the middle of the night because my love for you can only be felt inour mother tongue, in the language we share, in the language I pray for you in, in the language I want to confess to you in, the language your sweet words are said in.

-نائلة